Sometimes I’ll go through my archived writings when I have important work that I’m avoiding. Every once in awhile I’ll happen upon something so horrible, so embarrassing, so utterly humiliating that I can’t help but vomit into this here vomit bag [holds up vomit bag]. Though sometimes I find something great, like this story about my brother, Jeremiah and his true love, Snow White. Also you should know that this is from around a decade ago, and back then Dio was making me do all sorts of rad, and crazy shit. #diomademedoit
The Story of Jeremiah and Snow White
It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Jeremiah, woke up in a swamp. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly angered, and overwhelmingly aroused Jeremiah groped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). His fun came quickly to an end when he realized that his beloved poison apple was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Snow White. Jeremiah had known Snow White for (plus or minus) a year. A time that could be classified as “curious”. Snow White was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... pestering. Jeremiah called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Snow White picked up to a very unhappy Jeremiah. Snow White calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies belch before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually flamboyantly cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Jeremiah. Why was Snow White trying to distract Jeremiah? Because she had snuck out from Jeremiah's house with the poison apple only seven days prior. It was a saucy little poison apple... how could she resist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯?
It didn't take long before Jeremiah got back to the subject at hand: his poison apple. Snow White turned an ironic shade of red. Reluctantly, Snow White invited him over, assuring him they'd find the poison apple, but assuming he’d decline her rather half-assed invitation. Jeremiah grabbed the nearest canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Snow White realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the poison apple and she had to do so immediately. She figured that if Jeremiah took his absurdly practical swamp-buggy, she had at least seven minutes before Jeremiah would get there. But what if he took a canoe? Well Snow White knew nothing of the river, nor had she any way of accurately estimating the amount of time it takes to traverse the fluid filled land-crevasse. Snow White had no idea how abundantly screwed she was.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Snow White was interrupted by eleven grotesquely underdeveloped, dander shedding rubber johnnies that were lured by her poison apple. Snow White sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Fearing for her life, she frantically reached for her wolverine box and grabbed every last one of them, applying generous amounts of various nut butters to their underbellies in preparation. Apparently this was a well known rubber johnny deterrent (for obvious reasons). The discouraged critters began to scurry back toward their bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the canoe floating up. It was Jeremiah, hot-headed, confused, and really, really jacked (think Biff Tannen meets the peasant from Monty Python and the Holy Grail meets David Hasselhoff).
He rode up with a great sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Pep-Boys to pick up a 12-pack of oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late (something Snow White hated). One overly frantic, and poorly calculated leap later Jeremiah fell into the swamp water, but tried to play it off like it was no big deal. As if that sort of thing happens to everyone, all the time. Anyway, he was out of the canoe and explosively jaunting toward Snow White's front door. Meanwhile inside, Snow White was panicking. Not be confused for a thinker, she tossed the poison apple into a box of yogurt, then using the nearby noose she hoisted the box up into the air in the center of the room. Snow White was worried but at least the poison apple was concealed.
The doorbell rings...
'Come in' Snow White exotically purred in her first attempt to use her womanly ways to distract him. With a inept semi-push, Jeremiah opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless spiked-haired jerk in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' she lied. Jeremiah took a seat right beneath where Snow White had moronically hidden the poison apple. Snow White sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness, but her breath was so bad that her sigh ended up wafting the bitter stench of her mouth-rot towards Jeremiah’s face right as he pre-yawned. She could see that he was visibly shaken by the scent, and so through a nearly closed mouth she mumbled out 'Uhh, can I get you anything?'. But Jeremiah was understandably distracted by putrid fragrance now being absorbed by his tongue. A few awkward moments of nauseas silence later, Snow White noticed an increasingly sickened look on Jeremiah's face, as he slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?' he asked.
Snow White felt a stabbing pain in her abdomen when Jeremiah asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had raised the yogurt box containing the poison apple right by her oscillating ceiling fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..? I mean, I guess my breath is a tad unfortunate if that’s what you mean.' Not exactly a lie. The clueless look started to fall from Jeremiah's face, as his brain cogs started to once again turn. He looked up to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those aren't my grandma's special, artisan, handmade yogurts from when she used to milk her Indonesian devil-cats, right?’ He asked in an uncomfortably accusatory tone. ‘No, uh...those are my private parts' said Snow White, the lying ho-bag. Jeremiah nodded with a fake acknowledgement...then, before Snow White could react, Jeremiah suddenly lunged toward the box hovering only inches above his head, and opened it with the quickness. The poison apple was plainly in view. But so were his grandma’s (now spoiled) yogurts. 'That bitch' Jeremiah thought, while Snow White just sat their pathetically grimacing, awaiting the eruption of rage that was about to come forth.
Heartbroken, betrayed, and confused Jeremiah stared into the box for what what must've felt like tens of minutes. Suddenly that salty bitch, Snow White groped wildly in Jeremiah's direction. A clearly desperate attempt to pleasure him into a state of euphoric distraction. Not one to be easily satisfied though, Jeremiah clutched the box of yogurts, still containing the poison apple and bolted for the door. It was locked. 'Shit. Why did I lock the door?' he said, as the simple thought of unlocking the door somehow evaded him. Snow White let out a chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Jeremiah!' she rebuked. Snow White always had been a little unstable, so Jeremiah knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before she did something crazy. Still bewildered by the locked door -a door he locked-, but absolutely thrilled to be reunited with his beloved poison apple, Jeremiah gripped box tightly and made a dash toward the kitchen. He threw the box with great gusto, right through Snow White’s favorite window (a deliberately spiteful selection on Jeremiah’s part), before diving headlong through the now broken window.
Snow White looked on, blankly. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' she cried out in agony. Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Jeremiah. 'You ..okay?' she yelled out to him. No response was given. Snow White walked over to hole in the wall that was once her prized window and looked down. Jeremiah was gone.
Just over yonder, Jeremiah was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Snow White's place. Jeremiah had severely hurt his chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose confidence. Just then another pack of feral rubber johnnies appeared, having caught wind of the poison apple. But with nothing to defend himself with, one by one they latched on to Jeremiah in the usual places using their rubber latches. Already weakened from his prior injury, Jeremiah yielded to the furious onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was the giddy horde of rubber johnnies running off with his poison apple.
About nine hours later, Jeremiah awoke to both his love handles throbbing. It was dark and Jeremiah did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy rubber johnny-infested moor, Jeremiah was most assuredly lost. Still unaware of the bleakness of existence, and hopelessness of his efforts, he remembers that his poison apple was taken by the rubber johnnies. But by that point, he was just thankful to still have his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous rubber johnny emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha rubber johnny (or ARJ). Jeremiah opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the rubber johnny sunk its teeth into Jeremiah's already wounded chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Jeremiah's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a massive failure in the eyes of Adam’s dad.
Less than four miles away, Snow White was wrapped up in guilt, entombed by anguish, mummified by sorrow over the loss of the poison apple. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a soggy and dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a violent thrust, she sent the rag upwards into her vaginal cavity, wrapping it tightly around her fallopian tubes. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Jeremiah... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the poison apple that had turned them against each other, ultimately leading to their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant rubber johnnies, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they fucked up, and now were too busy being dead.